Empathy is the non-evaluative understanding of what others are experiencing.  It is not the same as sympathy, which is feeling sorry or pity for someone else.  Feeling sorry for someone is an evaluation, a judgment, that someone is less fortunate than you.  It’s not a bad thing, it’s just not empathy.  Empathy comes from a non-thinking place where, as humans, we are aware of a deep interconnectedness with all other human beings.  We see a reflection of ourselves in others. 

When we see someone else in trouble, our first inclination may be to help, or fix the situation.  Many times problems are not about a lack of solutions or the lack of problem-solving ability.  Many people just need someone to connect to.  They can come up with solutions on their own, but you need another person to feel connected.  I see it time and time again with couples I work with, where one spouse has a problem and is talking to their partner about it and the partner, well intentioned as they may be, swoops in to assess, another word for evaluate, and offer a solution that will put an end to all this complaining.  The partner who was needing empathy is left frustrated because their real need had not been met.  The partner who tries to fix the problem, without offering empathy, is also left feeling frustrated and sometimes baffled that their solution did not seem to improve their spouse’s situation.  “Well if you’re not going to take my advice, then stop complaining about it!” they might say.  Nine times out of ten, the initial spouse was fully capable of coming up with a solution on their own.  What they needed was for somebody to just sit there and listen; to acknowledge themselves in the other.  The Buddhist saying: “Don’t just do something, stand there.” seems to apply here.  They needed to know that their partner is able to experience their situation in the same way; to feel a supportive presence, which can often be a catalyst for them to mobilize themselves to resolve the situation on their own.

Our fast-paced culture seems to support the opposite approach.  The worst thing that could happen in radio is dead air.  We don’t like waiting and are likely to change the station after only a few seconds of silence and radio stations know this.  Empathy takes time.  It usually means you have to slow down, way down, and listen.  And not just with our ears, but with our whole being.  It is what Carl Rogers was describing when he instructs therapists to Be With the client.  It’s more than just being in the room, it’s attuning your whole being with another person.  In order to attune to another this way, it is vital to shed all preconceived ideas, biases, and judgments about the other person.  All of these ideas are created in the mind and get in the way of truly experiencing another person.  Empathy is not a process of thought, it is a facilitation of your being’s (or soul, if you will) recognition of itself in another.  Intellectual understanding often gets in the way of empathy.

The correct empathetic response cannot be pre-planned or prepared ahead of time, it has to be spontaneous and can only be brought about in the here and now.  This can be unfamiliar and scary for some people because they are more concerned about appearing competent that they know how to respond in any given situation.  Empathy requires a surrender to the present moment.  To many who fear vulnerability, this idea may seem too risky.  In Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication he provides a list of obstacles to providing an empathetic connection to someone:

    Advising: “I think you should . . .” “How come you didn’t . . .?”

    One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”

    Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just . . .”

    Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”

    Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time . . .”

    Shutting down: “Cheer up.  Don’t feel so bad.”

    Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing . . .”

    Interrogating: “When did this begin?”

    Explaining: “I would have called, but . . .”

    Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

When my mother died in 1997 after a long illness, many people were quick to offer support.  Even though these people were very kind and well-intentioned, they failed to provide the empathetic connection I really needed.  “She’s in a better place now.”  The canned, “My condolences.”  And, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”  And a number of shutting down responses to distract and take away from my suffering.  I remember feeling a lot of guilt about taking a full load in college and not being there for my mother when she was the sickest and I remember people telling me how I did the best I could and was making her proud by finishing college.  The truth is, I could have done more, and I knew I could have.  And how did they know how it was making my mom feel?  Well-intentioned, but ultimately not helpful.  The most empathetic response I can remember receiving was “I don’t know what to say.”  And then he just sat with me in silence for about 20 minutes.  I needed somebody to acknowledge the kind of pain I was feeling that could not have possibly been summed up in words.  And I needed to know that my vulnerability and emptiness did not scare them away.  It takes a lot of guts to show empathy.

It also takes a person being compassionate towards themselves.  One of the main blocks to being empathetic is that we can be internally hostile to ourselves.  How can you show empathy if you are unable to see the good even in yourself?  If you have a flawed and corrupted view of yourself, that is what you will see in other people.  If you are a parent, take a minute to think about how you are fostering self-esteem and a compassionate self-perception in your child when they make a mistake.  Consider how punishment that labels students as failures and drop outs, affects their future choices.  Imagine what an empathetic approach to our prison system, one that focuses on instilling confidence, self-esteem, and pride through rehabilitation programs, might affect recidivism rates.  There are a number of applications to developing empathy in our society, but it starts with having compassion toward ourselves; learning to be kind and forgiving rather than harsh and self-depreciating.  Airlines instruct parents to first use the oxygen masks on themselves before offering it to their child.  Why?  Because without oxygen you become useless in helping anyone else.  How we see ourselves now began early on through many experiences that were interpreted and evaluated in the form of self-hatred.  It may take a good deal of effort and a willingness to challenge pre-conceived notions about ourselves to see ourselves as we really are and then to learn to be kind to that human being first and foremost.