Each year millions of well-meaning people vow to make major changes in their lives and end up miserably failing and abandoning their commitments before they even receive their W-2 in the mail.  Whether it’s quitting smoking, exercising three times a week, eliminating processed foods, being more attentive to your kids, these are all great if that is really what you wanted.  But usually it’s not the behavior change that people want, but what they think that change will do for them and why they want to make the change in the first place.  When you think about losing that extra 15 pounds, how do you feel about that?  When you imagine your life as a healthy and energetic person, what does that feel like to you? 

Before you even make your resolutions there is a spark of hope that ignites the willingness to make a commitment.  In that moment of hope you actually feel healthy.  You feel confident and strong.  And this feeling is enhanced when you announce to your friends and loved ones that “this is the year!”  But this hope is often short lived and may not sustain you beyond your first few trips to the gym.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s ok to express hope even if it isn’t realistic.  Why?  Because it isn’t the initial feeling of hope that is keeping you from sticking to your guns, it is how you feel about giving up on your commitments that keeps you from being hopeful.  Resolutions don’t have to be oppressive. 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t make commitments.  After all, “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.”  But what is behind your commitments is what is truly meaningful.  When people get married, it isn’t the obligation to stay married that keeps the marriage going.  It is the love behind that commitment.  Marriage therapist do not waste time teaching couples how to stick to their duty bound moral imperatives.  They help couples rediscover the love they have for one another and how to express it more authentically.  The key to keeping a resolution is the same way.

So the first thing about making resolutions is to ask yourself what you want.  Not what you should do or shouldn’t.  “Don’t should on yourself!”  Also, it needs to be what YOU want, not what anyone else or society thinks you need.  Moral obligations and societal expectations will feel just as you would expect them to--oppressive and burdensome.  No wonder people give up on that!  What makes you feel alive and inspired?  If there is something you want to eliminate from your life, a bad habit for example, what would it be like not to have it in your life anymore?  Don’t focus on the “thing” or behavior itself, but how would you feel and what would your life be like without it.  Concentrate on that feeling and let the hope of having that feeling marinate.  When you foster this hope for an ideal self you are building opportunities for action.  When our thoughts and feelings are on the same page, our behaviors tend to follow. 

And for the jaded, don’t not make a resolution because you never stick to it anyways.  There’s nothing wrong with imagining a better life or visualizing your ideal self.  Otherwise, how would you know which direction to head in?  The New Year’s Resolution is not about the commitment.  It’s about optimism and possibilities.  Maybe a good resolution could be, “This year I am going to be easier on myself.  I’m going to allow myself to make mistakes and to be human.  I’m going to laugh about my shortcomings instead of beat myself up about them.  I’m going to take myself less seriously and just live.” 

Happy New Year!!